Why Wasn’t I told of Mama Bears Sooner?

Barefoot Training - Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Read “Mama Bears,” by Jen Bradbury, from the March/April edition of Immerse Journal

I was just out of college and confident that I knew more than any person in the local church about all things God. Full of arrogance and testosterone, I jumped headfirst into the solo youth ministry gig. I made the necessary changes to programming to reflect a more relevant youth ministry model. I flexed my intellectual prowess in my theologically rich yet entertaining sermons. I used the perfect mix of sarcasm and empathy to connect with students and give patented Christian life lessons. I was on track to be rookie youth pastor of the year until I encountered a mama bear.

In my desire to open youth to all the “important” experiences of faith, I inadvertently began scheduling multiple events a month. I didn’t see any problem with doubling up in a month, since students were going to learn about service and evangelism. I quickly became aware of the issue(s) it causes when one mother came to me and told me her daughter would not be attending the second event that month.

Innocently, I asked, “Why?”

“It’s a little much for her to participate in two events this month,” she respectfully replied.

In my overconfident and slightly sarcastic way, I replied, “So two events is too much to ask a person to follow Jesus. I can see that.”

I’ll admit those were not the best choice of words, nor was it the best tone of voice. But I was the youth pastor with a college degree, and I knew more than anyone in the local church about all things God. Right?

Well, that respectful mother let me have it. She didn’t stop with my rude and sarcastic comment. She systematically picked apart the paradigm by which I was building my whole youth ministry. From the relevant programming to my patented Christian life lessons, she tore me to pieces. She left me wondering if I was even following Jesus.

I’m glad Jen Bradbury had such a great experience with a mama bear. Her experience reveals in a redeeming way the need for mama bears. And she is correct that we should hope and pray for more of them in our churches.

For those who experience or have experienced a mama bear in a less than positive way, let me just say that they are still needed. My experience led me to rethink several aspects of my relationship with God and others. It also led me to begin the difficult but necessary process of engaging parents and including their voices in the development of youth ministry. It was a much-needed learning experience, even if it was not wanted at the time.

So thanks, Jen, for letting us know about mama bears. I just wish you had told me sooner.

By Paul Sheneman

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Essential Traits of Transformational Youth Ministry 10

Barefoot Training - Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Engaging the Whole Family 3: What is the Family?

The value of defining the family for our contemporary content is that it gives us orientation in our engagement. If we can’t name the thing that we encounter, how can we have a meaningful experience? We have a word for God that has some meaning, and that concept seems a lot more complex than family.

So tell me, what is the family? I want to know because, for the life of me, I can’t find one definition that does justice to the multiple realities of family that I experience. For example, I’ve seen heads of households be single, biological parents, biological grandparents with single parents, two biological parents, two legal parents with no biological relation, one legal parent with no biological relation, two legal parents who are also the biological uncle and aunt, and the list could go on. And then try to account for sibling relationships, and I almost want to give up on ever finding a definition.

But what if we moved away from a sociological or structural definition? What if we tried a theological definition?

Here is my stab at it:

Family – a supportive and formative group of people, connected through a common biological lineage or covenant, who are meant to learn and practice the worship of God through their relationships with God, each other, and the world.

Does that definition sound familiar? I hope so because the definition is derived from a definition of the church. And here is my bias in favor of this definition. I think the church is called to be the family of faith for the world.

I also think the definition helps youth and family ministers imagine that the goal of families is to become “little churches,” in the words of Jonathan Edwards. And the concept of families becoming little churches corresponds to Diana Garland’s sociological research of more than 100 families. Her research revealed faith practices as an essential element of family life. As a complement to that research, Marjorie Thompson’s book argues that spiritual formation naturally happens in families in both positive and negative ways. Therefore, we can conclude that families are going to worship something. It is the role of the church to be the family of faith that invite them into the worship of God.

Questions to Consider:
What is your definition of family?
What do you think about the above definition of family?
What do we do with this definition of family?

By: Paul Sheneman

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Essential Traits of Transformational Youth Ministry 9

Barefoot Training - Monday, December 20, 2010

Engaging the Whole Family 2: Nuclear Family

Let’s get this bit o’ info out of the way. The nuclear family is depicted as two parents bonded together in a love-based marriage with biological children. The nuclear family is also referred to as the “domestic family.” Some even refer to the nuclear family as the “traditional family,” as though it has been the longest-enduring family structure in history. And some even hold up the nuclear family as the goal of Christian relationships.

However, the nuclear family is not the longest-enduring family structure, and it is most certainly not the family structure throughout biblical history. In fact, it has only been in the last 200 years that the “traditional” family has emerged. In regards to the love-based marriage, Stephanie Coontz writes, “It took more than 150 years to establish the love-based, male breadwinner marriage as the dominant model in North America and Western Europe. It took less than 25 years to dismantle it (247).”

What’s the point of all this talk about the nuclear family? The point is that it is not biblical to hold up the nuclear family as the goal of Christian relationships for youth and families. Diana Garland argues that nuclear family terms like parent, child, brother, and sister are used in Scripture but not to limit familial relations to the nuclear family. Instead, they are terms God’s people use to relate to others across social and cultural boundaries of family units. Naomi and Ruth are a great example of this use of the language. Jesus is another great example when he points to his family being a community of God’s people (Mark 3:33-35).

David Elkin’s work reveals that there has been a major shift in the structure of the family that corresponds to the shift from the modern period to the postmodern period. He suggests that the best way to describe the family unit in the postmodern context is “permeable.” This type of family structure is neither good nor bad—it is simply contextual.

Marjorie Thompson takes us one step further and suggests that we embrace all family structures in the life of the church. She argues that all families are called to learn the way of God from the church. She adds that it is the church’s responsibility to teach families how to practice the means of grace that are common to it (acceptance, encouragement, loving challenge, forgiveness, reconciliation, and hospitality) in Christian ways.

A transformational approach to youth ministry will engage all family structures as being a place where God can work and transform all members into Christ followers. In this approach we must not slip into the habit of offering one family structure as the biblical solution to family challenges.

By: Paul Sheneman

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Why Wasn’t I told of Mama Bears Sooner?

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